500 days of engagement: Day 191

This post will not be about the wedding, instead it will be about the struggle of the last three weeks. Not to worry anyone, this has nothing to do with Danny and I's relationship.

Today my grandma Patricia Jean (Knowles) Legard passed away. She has fought with Alzheimer's for years and in a beautiful way today she became free. My grandpa made the tough decision to honor her living will. So the last three weeks have been a slow decline where my family has gathered to make her as comfortable as possible until she was ready to go. The time she had left was broken into shifts so everyone got a chance to have their moments with her. She gave us good time to see her and let us get what we wanted to say out. I took the late night shifts with my Dad. I spent that time singing to her, creepy mousing her arm (one of my grandma's specialties) and telling her I loved her. Those are the things I remember most about my grandmother.

Not only was I named after this incredible women. I was blessed to spend a lot of time with her. My family has always stayed together, and she is the main cause of that. I had a unique childhood in that a lot of the time I was sent in many different directions. I always knew I had love. Going to my Grandpa and Grandma's house was my constant. It was one place I always knew I belonged and was loved. Because my grandparents are the simply wonderful and would never leave me feeling anything else than blessed. To a little girl with a confusing world, that meant more than anything else.

I have so many great memories with this women. She and I would sing and dance around the house. She taught me to bake, which is one of my favorite hobbies. She creepy moused my back with her fingers, something I passed on to Danny when we first started dating. She would let me drive the cart at the grocery store, even though I couldn't see over it. She played Aladdin with me. She taught me how to blow a bubble in gum. She made the best hot cakes. She cried when I told her I was joining the Army in the eighth grade. She took us boating and made the best boating cookies and other treats. She loved Bingo and bowling. She came to every school or sporting event her grandchildren had. And the most important thing she taught me was to love. She loved my Grandpa, her children, grand children and great grandchildren unconditionally. She carefully gardened her family into something amazing.

I even think she is the one who taught me to be as sassy as I am. And to pull my dad's toes when he is misbehaving.

The hard part for me is that she wont be there for my wedding. She never (consciously) met Danny. She will never get to hold my children. She is such an important part of my life and she is no longer with us. I do know that she will never be gone though, I will keep her stories alive, so will our family.

I was at work when I got the call that her heart rate had dropped and the nurses didn't believe she would be alive longer than a half an hour. I tried to send her a thought or a hope or prayer in her last moments but the kids at work were being their normal selves and required much of my attention. I was emotional and occupied, I couldn't get a thought across. About 7 minutes later the call came that she had passed away. The kids at work were so close to me they could hear the person on the other end. I was numb. One girl kept telling me I was so brave to stay at work when my grandma died. Another girl asked me when I would get to see her again. Even through all this I kept it together. I still feel numb but being with my family has definitely helped. I will miss my grandma tremendously but I will feel her everyday.